2021 – 2021

You think about the moment it will happen after you reach a certain age. You think of all the things you’re going to do and say. You imagine those precious moments where it’s just the two of you and the smile you receive after you have taught a valuable lesson you hope it will last for years to come. You think of all the things you did wrong, all the wrong turns you took in your own life. You think of all the things you should have done and said. You remember those awful moments you had in your life – those mistakes that try to haunt you forever. Then the moment comes when your daughter says, “Mom, I’m pregnant!” You hear her say it and you’re filled with joy and pain simultaneously. You see my story isn’t so pretty, with great memories of a husband, a baby shower, a college fund, and great outings with grandparents. I made some very wrong turns in my life and it took me – for what seems like a lifetime to recover. Just when I thought I had it all together, the enemy came in like a flood and took me back to those long dark nights of pain. Then I escaped with the hand of God. Yeah, so when I heard those words I was frightened, fearful and joy was trying it’s hardest to seep through the darkness. One day – I smiled and thought to myself I’m going to be the best grandma ever! I thought about all the things I was going to say, the many times I would go against my daughter’s wishes and spoil that baby (just like my mother did). I thought about the times I would have to be a strong tower of faith for those moments when her child would give her grief. I wanted to do for that baby what I missed doing for my baby girl…

I watched her take great care dressing the warmer. She was so loving and thoughtful. I was both in awe and cringing with regret – you see I didn’t always deliver such loving and tender moments with my daughter. The enemy had me caught in the grips of addiction and fear. I watched her gently ask my daughter questions about her desires for the pictures and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how she delivered the disclosure about “next steps” as only someone who embodied great love and compassion for another human. Oh my, the floodgates have finally been released as I try and finish this story…

You see I just want to thank God even for the not so good moments – especially after my daughter delivered a still born baby.

I love you Zoey – good night my love…