Aggravated Assumption

There have always been self-help groups both online and within social media apps. There are both paid and free versions of self-help programs and subscriptions. Self-help groups allow people to feed their natural tendency to seek acceptance, comfort, and understanding in a safe setting. It stands to reason that one should be careful when opting for free self-help programs. We must be careful that not only are we acutely aware of our diagnosis but that we vet free online programs. As women, we can have a host of issues from mother/daughter, mother/father, boyfriend/girlfriend, straight/gay, and from those few suggestions there can be a plethora of sub-issues. When selecting a free online self-help program we must be completely informed of the history and training of said group’s ability to address our issues. With that said, as I was perusing the internet I stumbled across a post about the sexuality of a man by a woman who claims she is a self-love specialist. Some of the best self-help groups offer emotional support and practical help with a mental health challenge, experience, or concern shared by all the members. I may be a little late on this post considering Kevin Samuels has passed away…


Who is Tonyatko – according to her website she’s, “Bold, Courageous & Spiritually Aware, Tonya Tko is the wise & Beautiful Big Sister you’ve always wanted.” She further states, “Tonya Tko uplifts you to become the greatest version of yourself using divine wisdom, compassionate caring & beautiful enriching energy.” However, for over an hour she condemned Kevin Samuels as a hidden gay man. Kevin was intereviewed by VLAD and this is what he had to say.

Tonya states on her website that she has knowledge, wisdom, compassion and open-mindedness to help you create the life of your dreams. Tonya Tko is the embodiment of compassion, love and strength. She also shares about ending up living in her car. During her displacement, she stayed fully committed to actualizing her dream. The year of living in her car taught her to put into action the principles of Self-Love she had been teaching online for 8 years. Yet this love boat stated that ALL the women who called into Kevin Samuels show were women who lacked healthy male role models and his viewers were losers.

What we won’t do is mention all the typos on her home page because Lord knows I’ve had quite a few and not one person reading my blog made me aware of the mis-spellings – shhh don’t say anything she also has some computer language that should be removed but I digress. Not only am I annoyed that this bundle of love, joy and compassion for others could tear up a man’s reputation with her words and sexual moans and groans without having a conversation with him about his sexual preference but as someone who was homeless living in her car she has done nothing for the homeless population (notice her header below). Whether he is gay or not what gives her the right to put him out there and in the derogatory manner in which she did?

The menu from her page which does not include where someone can either read about her programs for homeless women or make donation to her the cause of her choice.


We often do so much for others that taking care of ourselves individually goes untouched.  I’m not talking about getting our nails and hair done – those are things we do to keep our masks shining.  The concept of self-care is deceptively simple: making time to take of yourself for the benefit of your overall mental and physical well-being.  But if you’re human who exists in this world – the real world, where burnout, depression, anxiety, pain, illness, trauma, oppression, shitty families, violence, tragedy, breakups, divorces, death, unemployment, addiction, and good old fashioned bad times exist – you know that “taking care of yourself” is never a simple thing.

There is no denying that alcohol and other mind-altering substances give the user some type of pleasant sensation. Even if the “high” does not constitute a state of euphoria, it is at least a respite from unpleasant sensations of anxiety, tension, and depression, and awkward self-consciousness. The use of such chemicals is nothing other than the pursuit of contentment.

There’s a frustrating misconception that anything that is not 100 percent selfless is selfish. But taking care of ourselves and caring for and considering others are not mutually exclusive. In fact, taking care of our own health and well-being empowers us to be better friends, partners, coworkers, bosses, family members, and humans. Without doing the essential work of showing up for ourselves, how can we expect to be in any shape to show up for others? As the old saying goes, you have to put your oxygen mask on before you can assist anyone else.

One of the most common criticisms of self-care is that it’s unfair and unrealistic to put all this pressure on yourself to be in charge of your own well-being. And that’s absolutely true—there’s nothing more annoying than the old adage that you can “choose happiness,” as if you’ve always had the power to zap away your misery and have just been squandering it. None of us has the capacity to soothe all that ails us on our own. Self-care is as much about opening yourself up to the many ways others can help you as it is about taking care of yourself. It’s educating yourself on resources, giving yourself permission to access professional help without shame, and asking for what you need.

We have options we can attend self-care groups or twelve-step groups, we can try therapy and we can stay stuck.  One thing I’ve found out is that I must stay centered with God in my life before I attempt any outside intervention.


1, Jesus said, “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:26-30 MSG


2. When Elijah saw how things were, he ran for dear life to Beersheba, far in the south of Judah. He left his young servant there and then went on into the desert another day’s journey. He came to a lone broom bush and collapsed in its shade, wanting in the worst way to be done with it all—to just die: “Enough of this, GOD! Take my life—I’m ready to join my ancestors in the grave!” Exhausted, he fell asleep under the lone broom bush.

%d bloggers like this: